The Patron Saint of Cats and Insanity: How Much More Perfect Can You Get Than That?

Gertrude, The Original Super Cat Lady, now
Saint Gertrude of Nivelles, a town in Belgium
that has the very abbey of which Gertrude was
in charge. This is her stained-glass window
from the now defunct Dominican convent
of St. Gertrude in Cologne, saved intact for
later sale on e-Bay, although Saint Gertrude
was actually a Benedictine. So it goes.

We will take a short break from talking about fleas to discuss something of dreadful importance to us all: cats.

Saint Gertrude of Nivelles lived over 1,300 years ago, when cat ladies could be canonized and made saints. Technically speaking Saint Gertrude did not complete the bureaucratic process to become a saint even though it wasn't her fault, and she would probably have been regulated to being "blessed," "venerable," or even "pretty good," except that when her paperwork was discovered 1,100 years later, Pope Clement XII wasn't paying attention and he said she was a saint and that was it.

The bishops grumbled that she couldn't be a saint because she got an 99% on her finals covering the complete hierarchy of the Church's administration, although she had 100% in all of her scripture exams, even that awful Leviticus with all those laws and prohibitions no one cared about. The Pope asked how long it would take for someone with special dispensation to correct her final exams because the Church needed a new saint to get rid of insanity, and maybe help travelers, wayfarers, wanderers, joggers, and those awful power walkers, plus all the gardeners, topiary trimmers, and shrubbers, and maybe even help protect the coasts from sea monsters, of which there had been several lately as this was the very late Renaissance we are talking about, when sea monsters were as common as the Flemish.

At this point the bishops sighed and said Gertrude had not actually performed any miracles, a requirement for the fast track to sainthood even with over a millennium lost when her paperwork was misfiled in the Vatican archives, though it is true she spent many years reading Scripture and doing nothing else. Clement XII frowned and said "Nothing? Seriously?" and the bishops said "Nothing at all. She didn't eat, drink, sleep, or smack young monks with a ruler, and this is a big problem even without the issue of her final grades. Besides, Gertrude wasn't related to anyone important, so..."

At this point the Pope waxed wroth and drew himself up and roared, "Do you know why I am the Pope? causing the bishops to look frightened and say, "Because God said so?" Clement XII said "Right, but I meant the OTHER reason." No one knew what he was talking about so the Pope said, "I am the Pope because I keep track of things, like genealogy and royal families and court rumors and noble scandals and celebrity marriages and celebrity divorces, and I happen to know that Gertrude was the daughter of Pepin of Landen!"

"You meant he's a hobbit?" asked one of the bishops. The Pope picked up his mitre and knocked the living sacraments out of that bishop and thundered, "NO! She was the daughter of the Pepin who worked directly for King Dagobert, who is practically a saint already except for that C he got in Vespers 101," and the bishops were mightily knocked out except for the one that got hit with the mitre who asked, "Isn't Dagobert that little dog in the illuminated comic strip with DiberAAAAUGHGH" and he fell over dead because the Pope had motioned for a Swiss Guardsman to resolve the problem, which the loyal Guardsman did.

The other bishops hardly noticed because Dagobert had been King of the Franks, and that meant he was one of the reasons why there was now a France and one day Jerry Lewis would live there. In addition, the Pope told the bishops that he had read all the papal bulls ever done and he knew for a fact that Gertrude had divinely driven all the rats out of her abbey and was able to herd cats, which no one else could ever do, plus someone had prayed to her when attacked by a sea monster and the sea monster ran away. Swam away, whatever. Miracles, she had no end of.

A typical sea monster of the late Renaissance

In such manner was Gertrude's application for sainthood approved once a cardinal fixed her final exams so she got 100% all the way around, except that her final approved paperwork was once again lost in the Vatican archives and she never did become an official saint, not that anyone cares. She got her own feast date, March 17th, the same day as Saint Patrick of the Green Beer, and that was good enough.

Plus (and this is the most amazing thing of all, I swear it), Saint Gertrude was also put in charge of cats and getting rid of rats and mice, thus she helps cure people driven insane by cats. Even though I am not Catholic, I think that is just righteously awesome to the power of infinity plus infinity plus one, because this is the kind of protection I really need.

The moral of this story is, Pepin of Landen really was a hobbit, but don't tell powerful people this because you might tick them off.