THE GLARE

In my life I have known only two women and one female cat who could do THE GLARE. You know what I'm talking about if you are a guy and you say something you think is pretty funny but it comes out really dumb, like "You look cute for a dopey college graduate" or "Did you fart? Oh, it's your perfume, my bad. Ha ha!" You will get THE GLARE and you will feel as small and disgusting as a bug that is seconds from being stepped on.

These three females had THE GLARE down cold. And the Glare Master we live with is Blizzard.

You are dead to me.

Blizzard gives you THE GLARE only under certain very specific conditions.

• You pay attention to your laptop but not to her.
• You pay attention to another cat but not to her.
• You pat your wife on the butt but don't scratch her behind the ears.
• You don't share your food with her.
• You don't share your drink with her.
• You don't give her cheese.
• You battle a stove fire that's spreading across the kitchen and dining room with a fire extinguisher that is almost out of foam, but you don't pay attention to her.
• You look at or touch or listen to anything composed of gas, fluid, or solid matter, to include plasma, anything else in the entire cosmic space-time continuum except her.

You aren't aware anything is wrong until you get an odd uneasy feeling and look up into a cold, cold pair of green eyes. It would be funny except that it is THE GLARE and you want to lock yourself in a closet to escape that look. Blizzard would have been a natural as a velociraptor in a Jurassic Park movie, giving THE GLARE right before it ate someone's head. Blizzard wouldn't do that, but if she was mad enough she might send evil psychic thoughts into your head and cause you to go insane. She might do that.

Be afraid. Be very afraid.