DRAGNET: The Big Cat House

Ladies and gentlemen: the story you are about to hear is not even remotely true. Only the names and facts have been changed to protect the cat owners.

It's a hard job, but someone has to do it.

This is the city: Los Gatos, South Carolina. I work here. I'm a cat. I watch faucets. The Big House is filled with faucets. If I could count, there would be more faucets than I could count. Those faucets are shiny. Someone has to watch those shiny faucets. That someone is me: Sergeant Midnight Smoke, Los Gatos Faucet Inspector. I set my own hours, but I don't get paid. Watching faucets is reward enough.

It was Saturday, December 7th. I was working my regular beat in the central bathroom. The faucet in the sink was shiny--but there was more.

It was dribbling.

You never know what a faucet will do. Some do nothing. Nothing at all. I mean, nothing. I know. I've watched them do it.

Then there are faucets that drip. I've watched them, too. They drip, then before you know it they drip again. Then again. Then again. Then again. Then again. Then I forget what happens. It doesn't matter. I'm always there. Watching the faucets.

Watching them drip.

This sink was different. It was dribbling. I don't remember if I've said that already.

You never know what dribbling faucets will do. They might dribble and never stop. Or they might drip, and keep dripping, and then stop and do nothing. I'm always there, no matter that they do. Watching.

I was watching now. Watching the dribble. If I could tell time, I would have watched this shiny faucet dribble for I don't know how long.

Then a human came in.

"GET OUT OF THE #######ING SINK, YOU LITTLE #### #######! I HAVE TO ####ING SHAVE!"

The human picked me up and dropped me into the hall like he owned the place. I knew he would. He always does it. He doesn't understand why I watch faucets. No one does.

But I'm Sergeant Midnight Smoke, and I didn't take it lying down. I told him what I thought of him as he picked me up. I told him I thought of a big human keeping me from watching shiny faucets. Me, the only licensed faucet watcher in Los Gatos.

He heard every word I said.

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