We have six free-range cats, by which I mean it isn't worth the trouble to make them stop walking on clean dinner plates or crawling into the food cabinets or sitting on the bed looking with interest as Scruffles and Bear attempt to snoggle right in front of them. Our cats lay on us when we sleep, sit on us when we use our laptops, steal our food and napkins at dinner, and emit ghastly poops when we are well within olfactory range. Free-range cats. It's another way of saying the terrorists have won.
We are accustomed to seeing cats on top of kitchen shelves, inside kitchen shelves, behind toilets, on top of toilets, under the bed, on the chairs we are just about to sit in, in the bathtubs, on the sinks, on tables, under tables, on kitchen counters next to our food as we're getting dinner ready, hiding in Christnukkah trees, inside the warm clothes dryer when we're trying to take clothes out of it, in open boxes, on closed boxes, on top of doors, reaching under closed doors with their paws, under pillows, on top of pillows, on the massage table, in the blanket wardrobe, looking in trash cans, dragging things out of trash cans, in closets, and shedding fur over all the clothing we own. We have given up trying to herd our cats, except for certain moments when dinner is being invaded and Mister Long-Range Water Pistol comes out and the cats run away. Temporarily.
It is amusing to read books by cat experts who tell how to cat-proof parts of your house in case you are thinking about getting a cat. The experts are having a little inside joke at your expense. You cannot cat-proof anything and the cat experts know this. They snicker knowing you will follow their advice and go mad because it does not work, but the cat experts have already gotten their royalties from the books you bought, you sorry bastard. Cats go anywhere they instinctively sense you will be most annoyed to find them. They do this because they hate us, and because they can.
Free-range cats. There is no other option except to submit to the terrorists.
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| No one will find me. Not even that two-legged thing with the camera. |
We are accustomed to seeing cats on top of kitchen shelves, inside kitchen shelves, behind toilets, on top of toilets, under the bed, on the chairs we are just about to sit in, in the bathtubs, on the sinks, on tables, under tables, on kitchen counters next to our food as we're getting dinner ready, hiding in Christnukkah trees, inside the warm clothes dryer when we're trying to take clothes out of it, in open boxes, on closed boxes, on top of doors, reaching under closed doors with their paws, under pillows, on top of pillows, on the massage table, in the blanket wardrobe, looking in trash cans, dragging things out of trash cans, in closets, and shedding fur over all the clothing we own. We have given up trying to herd our cats, except for certain moments when dinner is being invaded and Mister Long-Range Water Pistol comes out and the cats run away. Temporarily.
It is amusing to read books by cat experts who tell how to cat-proof parts of your house in case you are thinking about getting a cat. The experts are having a little inside joke at your expense. You cannot cat-proof anything and the cat experts know this. They snicker knowing you will follow their advice and go mad because it does not work, but the cat experts have already gotten their royalties from the books you bought, you sorry bastard. Cats go anywhere they instinctively sense you will be most annoyed to find them. They do this because they hate us, and because they can.
Free-range cats. There is no other option except to submit to the terrorists.
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Thank you for your insightful comments about stupid cats.