Bandit: Fearlessly Assertive Alpha Male with Unlimited Privileges and Entitlements Who Also Randomly Emits Poisonous Gases

The Cata de Tutti Cati

Bandit is the cat most likely to keep me from typing in this blog, and in fact he just did about five minutes ago. At random moments he jumps on the table, wanders around the laptop to me, puts both paws on my chest and stretches, then climbs on me with the intention of being held like a kitten and cuddled and hugged and basically treated like the baby Moses. Cuddling causes him to purr like someone repeatedly trying to start a Mack truck with no muffler. If I try to pull him off me, which I don't try anymore, Bandit expresses disappointment by covering my arms and chest with long painful scars, so the Baby Moses treatment it is.

Bandit's full name, according to the knowledgeable Scruffles, is Senior Antonio Bandito. I call him Lardbutt, Big Pig, Dammit (pronounced DAMMIT), and Get Back Inside The ####ing House You ####ing Little Rodent. He is the Cata de Tutti Cati, the Most Alpha of Alpha Cats, a notorious crime lord and feline gangster who does not cover up his poop in the litter box because he is the almighty Alpha Cat, and Alpha Cats never cover up their poop. (This is true. Stay tuned, and you will learn a lot of sad things about cat ownership.) Covering poop is a task for Bandit's underlings, specifically Bandit's owners, meaning me, because my wife won't do it. All the other cats love the odeur of fresh Bandit poop. They sniff it and sigh at it and admire it every chance they get. Sometimes, God help me, our black cat Midnight licks poop off Bandit's butt like fresh mocha chocolate ice cream. Bandit's poop is a local culinary delight.

Also, Bandit farts. Whole species of wildlife are wiped out when Bandit farts. Fumigators from five counties must be called in while I am gagging in the yard to make our house livable. Just thinking about Bandit's farts can make... you... I need to barf, BRB.

I'm back. Bandit is a (deep breath) large heavy massively dense salt-and-pepper domestic mackeral pattern tabby cat with coppery highlights on his face. He was personally sent to Earth by Satan from the Cat Abyss on the Tenth Circle of the Inferno, where all bad cats come from. There are no good cats.

I could put up with Bandit sitting on my chest if only he would not insist on licking my face. I know where that tongue has been. It takes a lot to keep his mouth away from mine, but it is worth it. Sort of. I dunno.